#7 The Irish Itch

5th May 2019

It’s been a warm weekend in Ireland. The gardens are cut, the rebels have the BBQ’s out and everyone else is warning that they better not jinx the weather with their daring act! As we all know, the jinx is a very real thing, that can indeed have an affect on the Irish weather.

With a history steeped in paganism, folklore and catholicism, it’s only natural that we have a few old wives tales that just never died and that some would barely dare to ignore.

As previously mentioned, do nothing to jinx the sun if you see it attempting to make its way out from behind a cloud. It doesn’t come often and when its here Ireland is the best place in the world. The grass is greener, the people are happier, it’s never a struggle to get out of bed and the best sessions ever, always happen on a random sunny day.

Never been on an Irish session? You are in for a ‘treat’.  The sun usually heralds the start of a session. People’s moods jump into the hyperactive range. Summer clothes are donned and the sandals make a reappearance. The group Whatsapp lights up phones nationwide as the early birds plan out what the day has in store. Phone calls are made when agreements cannot be reached and finally a time and place is agreed and then its “bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye” until someone hangs up the phone.

While eating is cheating on the sesh, it’s always advisable to line the tummy well beforehand, an Irish session can last a few days, specially over a bank holiday weekend. While lining the tummy, be careful not to spill salt though. If you spill it, you need to throw it over your left shoulder to spite the devil. Yup, spite him. Never does one act not follow the other.

While partaking in the few pints of Bulmers with copious amounts of ice, in the awesome sun trap that is the pub’s beer garden, always be aware of what your nose is at. An itchy nose is the sign of a fight and nothing ruins a good old Irish session more than 2 buffoons going at it in the middle of the beer garden.

While keeping an eye on your nose, you may also want to notice your ears. Burning ears are a sign someone is gossiping about you. Either that or its a sign you have been in the sun too long with your pale Irish skin and haven’t put factor on.

On the subject of bodily itches, if the palm of your hand itches you will be coming into money, a good time to run to the local bookies and put a bet or two on. If it's your elbow you will be changing beds, I’ve got nothing on this one, take it whatever way you wish or just pray your elbow doesn’t itch! Got that? Nose, ear, palms, elbows!

While the session is in full swing, mingle and find loads of new friends. You’ll be best friends with at least 10 new people by the end of a good session. If you happen upon a nice young lad who’s the seventh son of a seventh son then he has the power over all diseases and can cure them by laying hands.  I’m not sure they walk around with signs on though. Like a needle in a haystack trying to find one of them.

On your walk home from the session, after throwing your salt over your shoulder and avoiding all bodily itches and finding sacred sons, be watchful for the dread that is the Magpie. If a magpie dares to cross your field of vision, wave at him! We all know the poem “one for sorrow, two for joy etc”. Well waving at the magpie negates the truth of the poem from being realised. Obvious right? If in doubt wave at every single bird. Prefer to look slightly daft than to be jinxed by the magpie, am I right?

If however, on your wander back home you get chased by a ghost or an evil spirit, try to get to a stream of running water. If you can cross it, no devil or evil spirit will be able to follow.  Get ye to the rivers lads! Run as fast as your little drunk legs can carry you. Luckily we don’t seem to be too infested by evil spirits these days.

On that note, before I head out,  I’m off to check I’ve not left the immersion and all the sockets turned on in case I burn the house down. A well known fact spewed by every Irish Mother ever.

Now that I've armed you with all these facts, you can be fully prepared for all the onsite pubs and the Irish session that will all be part of Filthy 150 2019!